FORGIVE OR LANGUISH

In as much as humans continue to exist on the planet earth, there is certainty that we perpetually interact. And insofar we continue to interact either virtually or physically, it is a given that our interaction cannot be devoid of hurts or offending one another. This inevitability is explainable in the popular aphorism that “To err is human and to forgive is divine”.  

Transcending the Human Nature

Humans by nature never cease to err due to her limitedness and frailty. Since humans cannot and will not do without mistake or faltering, then should he or she not learn how to counter hurts, errs, resentment, wrongdoings, humiliation, betrayal, deception and offenses with the necessary and sufficient corollary, forgiveness?

C. P. Varkey, commenting on the need to forgive asserted “Forgiveness is difficult, especially for those who have been brought up in an atmosphere of harshness and resentment”. In other words, forgiving and forget is not as easy as ABC. Though, it is difficult to do but this does not diminish its possibility at all-time because of its necessity for peace and serenity on the part of the offender and the offended. Just as C. P. Varkey will firmly aver “But forgive we must, if we are to find peace of soul and health of body”.

Self-Forgiveness: A Prerequisite for Forgiving others

The aphorism “you cannot give what you do not have” becomes relevant here. C. P Varkey, it was who noted that “people who find forgiveness hard are usually those who have not forgiven themselves.” As Dale Olen writes, “if we do not accept ourselves, we can make demands on ourselves that are impossible to meet. When we fail, we find it difficult to forgive our stupidity and incompetence. A self-forgiving stance, on the other hand, creates an attitude of tolerance and flexibility.“

Learning to perpetually forgive our inadequacies and frailties makes learning to forgive others a less difficult task. In as much as one begins by forgiving oneself then forgiving the other becomes a small challenge.

The therapeutic effect of Forgiving and Forgetting

Norman Cousins writes in his book’ “Head First”, “Life is an adventure of forgives. Nothing clusters the soul more than remorse, resentment, recrimination… Forgiveness is a gift we need to give not only to others but to ourselves also, freeing us from self-punishment and enabling us to see wider horizons…There are times when we may feel wronged, betrayed, deceived, humiliated. It would be unhealthy not to react against the outrage… Certainly we ought not to grant others the right to give us ulcers.”

C. P. Varkey writes in his book “Be Human, be Holy”, “physical and psychological health depends on forgiveness… Studies have conclusively proved that forgiveness helps healing.” Dale R. Olen analyses why forgiveness helps health in her article in ”Human Development” (Vol. 6. No.3); “non-forgiveness, holding a grudge, resentment, and various forms of anger, all perform the same task – they keep us protected from perceived danger and away from the pain of loss.”

I do not desire to Languish

A man wrongly accused of rape that was kept in darkened cell for over four years, tortured, interrogated came out physically and mentally healthy. When he was asked after his release if he had any bitterness toward the people who false accused him, he replied “I used to be a vibrant, kind and gentle person before the incidence. I have realized that forgiving my offenders was not an option but a precondition for me to forge ahead in life. Keeping offences and grudges will make me languish. And I do not desire to languish. So, I decided to let go even though it was very difficult.”

Forgiveness does imply Forgetting

The difficulty the man noted here is inevitable. Difficulty in deciding to forgive lies in forgetting. We must be aware that forgiveness does not imply forgetting. In the words of C. P Varkey, “remembering a painful experience does not mean that we have not forgiven. The test whether we have forgiven or not is whether we behave lovingly towards the other and speak well of them. One indication of such forgiveness is that we do not get emotional when we think or speak of the event that pained us. However, to forgive does not imply that we are close to other person as we were earlier. This could happen; but not necessarily”

In the final analysis, man must learn to forgive and forget both within and without else he will languish. In other words, our progress, peace, physical and psychological wellbeing and growth is hinged on how much and how well we are able to forgive and forget.

          By Little Cerebos

6 REASONS WHY MOST PEOPLE DON’T REALLY GROW

 

Growth is one of the characteristics of every living thing. Growth, in no small measure distinguishes animals from plants. While the growth of plants has been scientifically proven to be unlimited but that of animals is limited. However, we should not get it twisted from here because the growth science lays claim to here is actually the physical growth. There is no doubt that as far as the mental, intellectual, spiritual, social emotional growth of man is concerned, one can bet it to be unlimited with respect to the way an individual wield his or her will or volitions. 

Just as plants will not grow without certain nutrients including chlorophyll,

water and sunlight, so also for holistic growth to be a possibility in humans, certain things are vital. In fact, these things are prerequisites or indispensable as far as growth is concerned. Once any of these prerequisites is missing, there will be growth but not to full-grown or not reaching maturity. 

Lack of Virtues

Aristotle believed that the key to happiness is the practice of virtues. There is no doubt that it is only a happy person that will really grow. This simply means that practice of virtues is directly proportional to happiness and growth. Imbibing virtues such gentleness, humility, courage, confidence, discipline, sincerity, integrity, simplicity, honesty, etc. are essential for growth.

No holistic Education

It is pathetic that many persons in our society now find it difficult to read or some do not even read at all. Their beliefs about education has been narrowed to a formal way of learning where the “teacher gives and students take”. As if it is the sole responsibility of the teacher to keep giving. It is not untrue that a teacher affects eternity but his or her influence must be transformed to the student’s ability to educate his or herself too. So education is complete when self-enlightenment is combined with formal education.  Simply put, many will not grow because they have not enlightened their minds. Francis Bacon puts it better “Widen your horizon through reading. Reading makes a full man”. Religious education must not to be overlooked here too. Many remain religiously or spiritually immature because they have failed to learn about the God of their religion and the religious teaching itself.

Failure to acquire Life skills 

Ray Kurzweil, the writer of the book “The singularity is near” shared his ability to build his own computational devices at age 12. Today Ray, discusses the advancements of his technological skills. He has grown all the way. Life skills in this century cannot be overemphasized. Not to acquire certain skills is to remain adamant in a century like this. Computer literary, cooking, communication skill, interpersonal skills, leadership skills are very essential for the proper growth of an individual.  

No real socialization and True Friendship Network

Creating or seeking friendship that last matters even though one is full aware that betrayal is inevitable along the way. What do we see? Many individuals are afraid of being betrayed so they either not have friends at all or have few friends with a very low degree of closeness. Perhaps some do but trust issues will not make them really socialize. According to Savonarola, friendship is among the better gifts that we can possess in this world. It is a gift that is necessary for growth because no man is an Island. 

Loving Incorrectly

There are many wrong ways of loving in our societies today. And there is no gainsaying that this ways cannot qualify for genuine or real love. It is not the “I love you” that parade shamelessly and has almost become a memory verse in the society. According to C. P Varkey, love takes initiatives to act in order to nurture the all-round growth of others as persons. This is the correct way of loving. Anyone who takes such initiative will find true love too even if not for the most part. As such the loved ones will ensure the total growth of the beloved.

Practicing False religion 

Religion is almost inseparable from humanity. Humans are always devoted at least to a supreme being whether we like it or not. But attitude of worship or devotion to the beings at the center of various religions differ as many religions we have. But what we have is insincerity to the core values of all these religion which is love and peace.  No doubt false practices of religion debar all-round growth.  

GROWING WELL OR RETARDATION

There is no gainsaying that the reasons highlighted above must not be jettisoned if anyone desired to be full grown. If any is lacking, such individual will definitely not be mature or will have a retarded growth as we easily observe in plants with one deficiency or the other. Growth just like change is inevitable but there are two things involved; it is either you grow well or you retard.

 

WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?

 I came across a successful man who disclosed in a newspaper that he had never dated a girl or found himself in a romantic relationship. As at that time I was still in my early days in the junior secondary school. And those days I already had girls that my best friend and I were crushing on and plying our ways to win their hearts. This revelation baffles me and I was challenged by this young successful man’s decision. Maybe he decided to avoid distractions that come with falling in love. I then took an oath in those days not to woo a girl until I am ready for a genuine relationship. Was I able to keep to this? Maybe! But I must confess it was not totally possible because I was always encountering beautiful people. I failed but I had to later turn such encounter to a strong bond of friendship that still exists till today.

It’s pathetic that love in our society today has been mistaken for what C. P. Varkey will call “A nice feeling which a seducer of a girl may feel”. And this does not and will never pass for what love really is. Love is not just a feeling; it comes with a cornucopia or of responsibilities. As “freedom cometh with responsibilities”, so also does having the feeling of love for anybody or thing comes with responsibilities. Once these responsibilities are not met or cannot be met or could not be met or will not be met, then it remains just a nice feeling. . 

I feel good and nice you know! I love you! Feelings are what make humans human. In fact any man or woman that does not have feelings is less human. Even the so called lower animals do have feeling though it is unbridled unlike humans who have ability to control theirs. 

Having asserted the above point that humans naturally feel, it is pertinent to note that feelings are not bad and cannot be bad intrinsically. But experience has shown that its appropriation differs. This appropriation is based on our decisions. Some decide to allow their feelings rule them, while some decisively constrain themselves. When decisions are made regarding these feelings, they might be either bad or good. We can safely say without mincing words that  nice feelings are not bad but the decisions individuals make regarding any feeling matters a lot. 

What then is this love? According to Gary Chapman, he calls the kind of love in question a rational or volitional one. And this is exactly what love is - it is a rational or volitional not the infatuation or the unreasoning emotions or attraction that parades shamelessly in our society. C.P. Varkey it was, who noted that “Love is unconditional; a decision for the others, not just a feeling.” He remarked that “Love is basically a decision to be for others, and not a nice feeling which a seducer of a girl may feel”

Love according to Dr. Michael Azuzu is more than the common answers that one hears. Dictionary answers will provide synonyms such as “feeling” and “like”. For even though feelings and liking may be sometimes involved with love, they are really extraneous to the vital essence of genuine love. Dr. Azuzu defines love “as a commitment to someone else’s good, which is best to the extent that it is conscious and unconditional. The consciousness, rationality, purposefulness, meaningfulness and unconditionality of the commitment are the two measures of its genuineness” He added that in genuine love, one does not love merely because he likes or feels; and one is not loved because of what he can do or has done, nor because of what he owns; even though these may make it humanly easier to do so. But those tools of expression that make loving easier are not equivalent to love.

Some would even perceive love as a divine thing that humans are not capable of exercising until they make recourse to the divine being. Hence, until we endeavour to lavish everything in our capability to ensure the utter development of others, then we cannot claim to know this thing called love.

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THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT LOVE

ALL THAT THE SOCIETY HAS TAUGHT ABOUT LOVE IS A SCAM

Love conquers all things was the very word of a preacher or writer. Love claims to be the primordial core value of all the religions of the world. In fact in most religion if not all, love is central to their preaching and spiritual life. But if this is the case for every religion, why is there still so much evil in the world?

Or is it that the entire world’s religions have failed to live out love? Or could it be that despite the incessant call to love that breeds peace and unity, followers or adherers to various religions are not doing enough to be loving? Maybe the society has taken the pride of place in the discussion of this foundation that holds every religion. Well if this is the case then I dare to say that all of what our society has bequeathed to us about love is a scam. There is need for, more than ever before for a mind fuck (that is a situation which calls into question the way your mind currently sees a certain idea or the world in general).

There is no doubt that love has got many definitions our society has given it today. These definitions stem from different sources that have become deep rooted in our minds. In this way, our society has presented to us a cornucopian ways of loving as if love itself were to be more than a single thing. And I dare to say that these love definitions or models are not only subjective ones but also selfish or possessive ones. See it for yourself when people talk about love; love is determined when you fall head to heel in love with someone, when a guy is able to foot your bills, it’s a sign he is really loving. You also hear conditions such as if you love me, you will take me out to cinema, Domino’s Pizza, to take ice-cream; if you really love me, prove it until we have sex; if you truly love me, pay my bills, schools fees, cook for me and other ‘take my responsibilities attitudes’ and possessive utterances.

It will be rare or termed strange by this same society to encounter relations out of this conditional or possessive or selfish love. For us to experience, lovely minds discuss about; plans together for the future, working together to succeed, sharing burdens, difficulties, the goods, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful of lives in unison, caring for one lovely soul as if it were for oneself, sacrificing time, talent and treasure without conditions or love of gain. I am cocksure that many individuals will be hostile to my claim. There’s actually no offence. It is due to the make-believe teachings the society has imparted and it can be difficult to let go because they are now in consonance with our mindset. But the truth remains that our society has not bequeathed to us something worthwhile as far as love is concerned.

So, we are all products of this societal scam. It will take a critical mind to pay attention on how tons of love drama or scenarios had evolved. It will take a patient mind to listen to the love stories many “broken hearts” have to say. Many have been defrauded psychologically, materially and otherwise all in the name of love.

But something screams at my face, most of these stories are nothing but sad ones. This is due to the fact the falling in love for the society is aimed at satisfying the self. And there is no gainsaying that this is far from love. Love itself comes from within a being. The love that does not seek to satisfy itself. It only aims at sacrificing its entirety to other beings and not things. This love from within does not only loves the vessel that bears (careful and intentional love of oneself) but also make choice of incessantly ensuring the growth of others.

No wonder Little Cerebos will perceive love as Lavishing Of Value on Every being. Simply put, intentionally or freely apportioning worth or importance on every being. This value is a value that comes from within. It possesses a fragrant that cannot be hidden from those that encounter such a fellow. This fragrant automatically fills others with all the goodness that accompanies it.

It will be pathetic that one will still desire to remain entangled with this societal scam. Perhaps it will take such an individual to experience what is outside the realm of this big societal scam. In this realm; love makes decision; to heals, to conquers all things, to overlooks all things, to be patient, not seek its own desire, and to values all being and other countless things this short piece will never contain. Therefore, let us keep Lavishing Value on every being - ourselves first of course (No one gives what he or she does not have), by this we shall continue to debunk, deconstruct and destroy not only all those scams about love but also other false teachings or doctrines that sell cheaply in our society today.

Happy Weekend dear reader.