FORGIVE OR LANGUISH

In as much as humans continue to exist on the planet earth, there is certainty that we perpetually interact. And insofar we continue to interact either virtually or physically, it is a given that our interaction cannot be devoid of hurts or offending one another. This inevitability is explainable in the popular aphorism that “To err is human and to forgive is divine”.  

Transcending the Human Nature

Humans by nature never cease to err due to her limitedness and frailty. Since humans cannot and will not do without mistake or faltering, then should he or she not learn how to counter hurts, errs, resentment, wrongdoings, humiliation, betrayal, deception and offenses with the necessary and sufficient corollary, forgiveness?

C. P. Varkey, commenting on the need to forgive asserted “Forgiveness is difficult, especially for those who have been brought up in an atmosphere of harshness and resentment”. In other words, forgiving and forget is not as easy as ABC. Though, it is difficult to do but this does not diminish its possibility at all-time because of its necessity for peace and serenity on the part of the offender and the offended. Just as C. P. Varkey will firmly aver “But forgive we must, if we are to find peace of soul and health of body”.

Self-Forgiveness: A Prerequisite for Forgiving others

The aphorism “you cannot give what you do not have” becomes relevant here. C. P Varkey, it was who noted that “people who find forgiveness hard are usually those who have not forgiven themselves.” As Dale Olen writes, “if we do not accept ourselves, we can make demands on ourselves that are impossible to meet. When we fail, we find it difficult to forgive our stupidity and incompetence. A self-forgiving stance, on the other hand, creates an attitude of tolerance and flexibility.“

Learning to perpetually forgive our inadequacies and frailties makes learning to forgive others a less difficult task. In as much as one begins by forgiving oneself then forgiving the other becomes a small challenge.

The therapeutic effect of Forgiving and Forgetting

Norman Cousins writes in his book’ “Head First”, “Life is an adventure of forgives. Nothing clusters the soul more than remorse, resentment, recrimination… Forgiveness is a gift we need to give not only to others but to ourselves also, freeing us from self-punishment and enabling us to see wider horizons…There are times when we may feel wronged, betrayed, deceived, humiliated. It would be unhealthy not to react against the outrage… Certainly we ought not to grant others the right to give us ulcers.”

C. P. Varkey writes in his book “Be Human, be Holy”, “physical and psychological health depends on forgiveness… Studies have conclusively proved that forgiveness helps healing.” Dale R. Olen analyses why forgiveness helps health in her article in ”Human Development” (Vol. 6. No.3); “non-forgiveness, holding a grudge, resentment, and various forms of anger, all perform the same task – they keep us protected from perceived danger and away from the pain of loss.”

I do not desire to Languish

A man wrongly accused of rape that was kept in darkened cell for over four years, tortured, interrogated came out physically and mentally healthy. When he was asked after his release if he had any bitterness toward the people who false accused him, he replied “I used to be a vibrant, kind and gentle person before the incidence. I have realized that forgiving my offenders was not an option but a precondition for me to forge ahead in life. Keeping offences and grudges will make me languish. And I do not desire to languish. So, I decided to let go even though it was very difficult.”

Forgiveness does imply Forgetting

The difficulty the man noted here is inevitable. Difficulty in deciding to forgive lies in forgetting. We must be aware that forgiveness does not imply forgetting. In the words of C. P Varkey, “remembering a painful experience does not mean that we have not forgiven. The test whether we have forgiven or not is whether we behave lovingly towards the other and speak well of them. One indication of such forgiveness is that we do not get emotional when we think or speak of the event that pained us. However, to forgive does not imply that we are close to other person as we were earlier. This could happen; but not necessarily”

In the final analysis, man must learn to forgive and forget both within and without else he will languish. In other words, our progress, peace, physical and psychological wellbeing and growth is hinged on how much and how well we are able to forgive and forget.

          By Little Cerebos